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TEST THOSE CHRISTIANS:
A Non-believer's Guide For Testing The True Christian.

The Event

There I was busily working at my desk when the interruption
occurred. "Hi, are you Ammond?" "Yeah," I replied. "What can I do
for you?" "I'm Hezikah Brown, and I'd like a couple minutes of your
time." Being the nice guy that I am I agreed to a few minutes. It
seems Hezikah is a Born Again Christian with a mission from God. He
told me how he believed that Jesus was his personal Lord and
Savior, how his life had been changed for the better, how he spoke
in tongues and that he heard I was a witch. "The rumor in the
office is that you're a witch." "It's true," I answered. "How can
that be," he retorted. "Don't you know that witches are going to
hell." And off we went...

The Question

So what is a non-believer to do today with all these seemingly
dizzy people claiming to be Christians. It seems you meet these
people everywhere. You just can't get away from them. They are in
the office, swinging through the restaurant, on your computer
network, cruising the beach and parading in that crowded john. Just
when you get home for a private, intimate interlude with your lover
comes the event stopping knock, knock of the True Christian. What
the hell is a normal sane person to do? Go crazy, scream, defecate
nude on the floor while in full view of the True Christian? No. We
test them. As I presume that like me you are a non-believer too we
can have a little fun.

Jesus says "Beware of false prophets, who come to you in
sheep's clothing, but inwardly are ravening wolves." Matt 7:15

and "Then if any man shall say to you Lo, here is the Christ,
or, Here, believe it not. For there shall arise false Christs and
false prophets and shall show great signs and wonders, so as to
lead astray, if possible, even the very elect." Matt. 24:23-24

John says "Beloved, believe not every spirit, but prove the
spirits, whether they are of God: because many false prophets are
gone out into the world." 1st John 4:1

There are many different types of Christian you know. And they
all claim to be True Christians. How is the non-believer to know
which is which? After all we want the real thing, a True Christian,
not a demon from hell disguised as an angel of light. No Jim
Bakkers or Jimmy Swaggarts will do. We want a real fool for Christ.
How do we tell the True Christian from the disguised demon? The
real fool from the money grabbers? We can do that with a little
help. And this help comes from a very unexpected source. You see
these Christian critters have a role model they follow. And they
can't deviate from the model too much and hope to get to the
heavenly entertainment park. Jesus, their role model has stated...

"Therefore by their fruits shall you know them. Not everyone
who says to me Lord, Lord, shall enter into the kingdom of heaven.
Many will say to me in that day Lord, Lord, did we not prophesy by
your name and by your name cast out demons, and by your name do
many mighty works? And I will profess to them, I never knew you. Go
away from me you who work evil." Matt 7:22-23

So you can see that not every person who claims to be
Christian will make it to that starry, wonder filled entertainment
park they call heaven. True Christians tell me that only 10 percent
of those who claim to be True Christians are Christians at all.
There's just a little rivalry. It seems they are all in competition
with each other for that last 144,000 condos-in-paradise. Now God
knows how much real estate He has and how much it costs.
Overpopulation being what it is today He has to oust some.
Otherwise garbage over runs the golden streets, airborne pollution
covers the crystal walls and the sewers back up. Yech!

As our volunteer testee saunters up visually apprise them. Do
they look serious? Are their clothes nice? Do they look like they
own property? Good. We're ready to start, but don't rush. We don't
want the testee to suspect our motives.

Much of the Christian religion is emotional. As the
conversation starts let the testee know just where you stand. You
don't want to be duped. You want to talk to a true Christian. None
other than a true Christian will do.

Ask our testee if they are a Christian? Are they a True
Christian? Do they love Jesus? Is Jesus their Personal Lord and
Savior? Yes? Good. Ask them how much they love Jesus, God and the
Holy Spirit. Are they Spirit filled? Do they display any of the
fruits, love, joy, peace, happiness, etc. of the Spirit as
described in Gal. 5:22-23?

Next we have to verify that they believe in the Bible. Without
this we won't have any fun. Ask our volunteer if they believe in
the Bible. Do they believe that it is the Word of God? Is it
infallible? Is the Bible as appropriate for today as it was two
thousand years ago? If the answer is yes, even if not infallible,
fun is to be had in short order.

The Money Test

Here's how we start... Our trick is to confront the testee
with moral absolutes and performance tests. Here is the first
performance test that we can enjoy.

"Give to everyone that asketh thee; and from him that taketh
away thy goods ask not again." Luke 6:30

"Give to him that asketh thee, and from him that would borrow
of thee turn not thou away." Matt. 5:42

Luke 6:35 sums it all up...

"But love your enemies, and do them good, and lend never
despairing; and your reward shall be great, and ye shall be Sons of
the Most High: for he is kind toward the unthankful and evil."

True Christians are so fond of moral absolutes that I think we
should give them every opportunity to experience those absolutes as
real, upfront and personal events. In your next testing session,
when you hear the True Christian extolling the Rock of Moral
Absolutes upon which they stand, go for the cash. It has a nice
sobering effect that should in the long run benefit the True
Christian.

Ask for their money, all of it. Just ask for their wallet.
Have them show it to you. Any money inside? Good. Ask for it. You
don't want their credit cards. That would be a crime. If there's no
money, ask for an article of clothing. Coats and cloaks are good.
How about car keys? Do they have a big cross with them? Ask for it.

When they refuse have them reread the previous verses, then
ask again. Should they still refuse call them a fraud, for that's
exactly what they are. Just like Jesus send them away into
darkness. They aren't a True Christian.

Now should they give you everything in their wallet, the cloak
on their back and the cross too, we get to have more fun...

The Swill Test

Next we proceed with more subjective questions. One of their
obsessive traits is to compare their past performance with the
actions of those in the Bible. How is their walk with their Lord?
Do they follow Jesus closely? Do they want to follow more closely?
Yes? Good. Now we start with the serious tests.

In Matthew 10:18 Jesus sends out his True Disciples with the
commandments to "heal the sick, cleanse the lepers, raise the dead
and cast out devils." Take a skeptical attitude about their status
as a True Christian. Again let them know that you want only the
real thing. No substitutes will be allowed.

"And these signs shall accompany them that believe: in my name
they shall cast out demons, they shall speak with new tongues. They
shall take up serpents and if they drink any deadly thing, it shall
in no wise hurt them; they shall lay their hands on the sick, and
they shall recover." Mark 16:17-18

On this you gotta' be a little careful not to let the cat out
of the bag. Ask your friend if they have cast out demons. Do they
speak with tongues? Have they laid their hands on sick persons who
were healed?

If so take a bottle from storage prepared especially for the
test. It should be filled with (non)toxic, pukey looking stuff that
smells to high heaven. Urine and excrement should do. Cap the
bottle tightly while in storage. And for heavens sake wrap it in
something to hide the mess from sight. In the Bible read Mark
16:17-18 which says that True Christians can pick up serpents and
drink harmful things without suffering. Ask our unsuspecting testee
to chug the whole bottle. If they object saying "thou shalt not
test God" respond by saying that you are testing them, not God. God
is not around to be tested anyway. If they don't chug-the-jug you
can safely assume they are not a True Christian, only a fraud. Send
them away.

A note of warning... Be sure to inform the True Christian the
drink is toxic. Let them pick up the bottle for themselves. If they
drink the potion they take the test of their own free will.

Now some might protest that the last part of Mark is a 'late
addition' not found in the earlier texts. Perhaps they have
confessed to you previously that the Bible is the word of God and
is infallible. What happened? Didn't the believe the Bible? Tell
them they aren't a True Christian; they are frauds. Send them home
with their tails between their legs.

Conclusion

As we can readily see it's not healthy to be a True Christian.
A True Christian is equivalent to being a Bibliolater--one who
worships the Bible. Now being a Christian is ok. But being a
Bibliolater is a form of mental illness. And it's great fun to let
the Bibliolater know of their problem when they interrupt your day.

I have about ten other performance tests but the
aforementioned are the most exciting. Please feel free to
experiment with Jesus' moral absolutes and performance tests. You
may find some that are just a much fun as these.

Copyright Dec. 1989. Ammond Shadowcraft

Permission is given to reproduce or retransmitt this article
providing the article is complete, and with the author's name and
copyright notice fully intact.

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For the folks who have requested more...

What I wrote up came from Delos Mckown in a speech he gave in
Atlanta, Georgia, October 7, 1989

"Positive good can come from making Christians suffer
'cognitive dissonance', for it is out of intolerable intellectual
and emotional conflict within oneself that deliverance often
comes." Professor Delos McKown.  Prof. Mckown is a former
clergyperson and present Head of philosophy at Auburn University
since 1979.

Here are more tests for our Bibliolators...

Stronger test... Luke 10:19: Jesus says that his disciples can
walk on scorpions and snakes. Not everyone has a roomful of snakes.
However you can get a large, covered jar with a "little" something
in it. Make sure the testee can't see inside the jar. Ask your
testee to put his hand in the jar and wiggle it around. Any
reluctance shows weak faith, not someone you'd want to listen too. 

Weaker test: 1 Cor. 7:29: St. Paul says to cut out sex. If
they are married are they still making love to their spouse?
	
Stronger test: Matt. 10:18: Jesus sends out his disciples to
heal the sick, cleanse the lepers, etc. Again be skeptical and ask
the testee if they are really from Jesus? They could be from a
false teacher or worse yet, the devil. If they assure you they are
from Jesus test them. Ask for a demonstration of healing the sick,
raising the dead and cleansing lepers. Since lepers aren't around
AIDS patients can be substituted.

Weaker test: When the Bibliolator shows up at your door
express concern. You don't want to be duped by a fraud. Ask them if
the description in Luke 14:26 fits them. "If any man comes to me
and hate not his father, and mother, and wife, and children, and
brethern, and sistern, yea, and his own life also, he cannot be my
disciple." How does that fit in with loving others? If the
evangelist really hates their spouses and family why all the
concern about living forever in heaven with these people?

Stronger test: Matt 10:17-18: As the conversation goes on be
sure you have the genuine article. Ask if this person has ever been
flogged in a synagogue or dragged before governors and kings for
Jesus's sake. The answer is almost certainly no. But continue with
Matt 10:21-22. "And brother shall deliver brother up to death, and
the father the child; and the children shall rise up against their
parents, and cause them to be put to death, and ye shall be hated
of all men for my name's sake..." Ask "Have you had family problems
like these?" Then "Does everyone hate you because of Jesus?" The
answer to both questions is almost certainly no. Say sadly and
gravely that you are afraid this person is not the real article.
Send them away into darkness. You want to learn about Jesus from
the right kind of person as described in Matthew.

Weaker test: After the testee has made their opening spiel
just ask "Are you morally perfect?" Christians make a big deal of
saying they are not perfect, just forgiven. Read Matthew 5:48 wherein
Jesus says in the red letter edition, "Be ye perfect, even as your
Father which is in heaven is perfect." The answer is almost surely
no. Solemnly note this is an imperative, not a maybe. Bibliolators
should thank you for pointing out their flaw. Tell the testee to
come back when they are morally perfect.

Stronger test: If the Bibliolator is a woman ask her if women
are allowed to speak aloud in the congregation. If the answer is
yes, cite Paul's first letter to Timothy 2:11-12 "Let the woman
learn in silence with all subjection, but I suffer not a woman to
teach, nor to ursup authority over man, but to be in silence." If
she still answers yes ask why that is ignored. What other commands
are ignored? Why?

Stronger test: Bibliolators seldom play fair. If the
Bibliolator pleads with you to read the Bible or pray everyday, or
attend church, or say a little prayer, present your own proposal.
Say "Sure I will, if you'll do something for me. Go out into the
woods alone where you won't be seen or embarrassed. Call upon the
wood spirits and water nympths to give you good luck. And say this
prayer...     

Lord Cernunnos, I have been so confused lately that I have
forgotten you. Please forgive me my sins. If you exist please
manifest your being in my life. Thank you."

Since this looks like idolatry in the Bibliolators eyes they
will not agree and you won't have to keep your bargain either. They
will leave.

Enough for now. Have a good time with this...

B*B Ammond Shadowcraft