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CLASSIC COMPILATION #1 – FREE PIZZA

DIzzIE (antikopyright 2007)

This is the first textfile in a series that will put together classic 
scams centered around a particular theme. Most, if not all, of the content 
will not be ‘new;’ rather, these compilations are mere attempts to bring 
all existing methods of achieving the same goal into one place for easy 
reference. Feel free to email me with any ideas you have that weren’t 
included, and they’ll be added into subsequent versions of these compilations.

What follows is a brief compendium of various existing methods you can 
use to score some free pizza. As usual, don’t expect some of these tactics 
to work in all pizzerias, but do expect all of them to work in at least 
some locales. Naturally, some are geared towards larger chains, while 
others are best done in the smaller ones. Pick and choose whichever ones 
you think are right for your situation. 

~Let’s start with an age-old classic, The Phony Order Snatch. Ol’ Abbie 
wrote about it in Steal This Book back in ’71, and it’s been popular ever 
since. Essentially, you just phone in an order for a pizza (Abbie recommends 
using a nearby payphone, though nowadays lots of pizza places let you order 
online (obviously this shouldn’t be done from your own computer/IP address), 
and waiting around the phone just in case the pizza place calls back to 
confirm the order) with the delivery address being a particularly out of 
the way/top floor apartment that would require the delivery dude to travel 
the longest distance from zir car. Once ze’s out of the way, delivering 
the pizza, you simply stroll on out from your hiding spot and raid the 
(hopefully unlocked) delivery car, thus appropriating all of the other 
orders that could still be in the car.

~The Complaint #1. Stand behind someone in line and overhear their order. 
You’re particularly listening for someone who’s ordering take-out, but a 
dine-in order will suffice. Memorize the customer’s details (the order, 
time of order, name, phone number, address, etc) and hop along out of the 
pizza place (if you think you’ll look sketchy just lurking around and then 
leaving, you can come up to the order counter and ask some bullshit question 
akin to “hey do you guys have peanut butter and skittles toppings?” before 
leaving). In about an hour or so, call up the pizza place and start bitching 
about how you ordered pizza with toppings X and got one with toppings Y, with 
your kid being allergic to Y and how you had to toss the upchucked pizza out. 

Go on in this vein for a little while, and sooner or later (if the manager 
doesn’t catch on as to what will shut you up) start implying, and later (if 
the manager still doesn’t catch on) insisting, that they give you a free pizza 
that’s actually the correct one as a replacement for their fuckup. 

~The Complaint #2. Instead of an immediate result as in the first complaint 
scam, this method will take more time, but has the added benefit of having a 
potentially reusable payout. Dig through the trashcans and/or dumpster around 
the pizza place to find some old (though not too old, preferably under a few 
days) receipts, obviously selecting either the largest/most expensive orders, 
or selecting the ones that you’d enjoy eating the most. Next, write a formal 
letter addressed either to your local pizza branch or to its headquarters if 
there is one, pontificating at length (though keep the letter to about a page 
or less) about how you have been a long time royal customer, and have recently 
purchased xxx (whatever’s on the receipt), only to have your whole family come 
down with diarrhea/vomiting/nausea/etc. Do not, however, say that you went to 
the doctor. 

If you do, the pizza place will want to see medical records to cover their 
own asses, and you’ll be shit out of luck. Make the complaint significant, 
but keep it mild enough so that you didn’t seek any medical attention (this 
means saying something along the lines of ‘I found a piece of glass that split 
my tongue in two’ is out, as they’d expect that to be something that you’d go to 
the hospital for…). Polish off the letter by stating that you are seriously 
disillusioned/disappointed/devastated with the quality of xxx brand’s dining 
establishments. 

Though, once again, don’t overdo this by saying that you’ll never go there again; 
instead, let that be an implied threat that hangs in the air, hauntingly unstated. 
Finally, though it’s not absolutely necessary, you can explicitly state that you 
would like compensation for your most unfortunate dining experience. Include the 
receipt that you found along with the letter, and mail it off. Within a few weeks 
you should receive a soggy apology letter, along with either coupons for free pizza, 
or a check for the amount spent. 

In this case, a coupon would actually be better, as you could then proceed to make
 numerous copies of it to use over and over: 
 and for other potentialities of the complaint letters cam). 

~The Table Scrapper. Walk around through the pizza place looking for any unattended
 tables that have left some discarded remains. Gluttonous consumers often leave their 
 food unfinished, and it’s going to get trashed anyway, so you might as well pick some up. 

~The Snatcher. If you don’t like table scraps, and the pizza place is the kind where 
dine-in orders are picked up by the diners themselves at the front counter, simply swoop 
in and pick up an order standing on the counter before the real customers do. Leave a 
random receipt or a stray electronic buzzer on the counter as a credibility prop, and 
then get the fuck out of there. 

~The Late Order. Place an order for a pick-up about twenty or thirty minutes before 
the pizza place closes. Show up about five minutes before closing time and go in to 
pick up your pizza. Reach your hand casually into your pocket so as to pull out your 
wallet, only to act befuddled and begin feeling around for your wallet. Frown and 
apologetically begin to explain that you must’ve left your wallet at home, and 
“could you mind just waiting a bit while I go back and get it, it’ll be like twenty minutes, 
I’m so sorry about that…:(”. The rub here lies in the fact that, not wanting to wait around 
for this dunce to go back for his wallet, the pizza place may just let you have the 
order for free. 

If, however, they begrudgingly do say ‘fine, we’ll wait,’ come back in about an hour or so 
when the place has closed down, and go look in the dumpster, which brings us to the next method:

~The Dumpster Dive. Orders that get fucked up are often tossed away into the trash. 
If you have ‘issues’ with eating dumsptered food, resort only to consuming the boxed 
items, as those remain ‘uncorrupted’ by the perceived evils of the dumpster. 

Visit the dumpster an hour or so after the place closes, and then simply bring the 
dumpstered pizzas home and heat ‘em up. 

Comments/additional methods to include in future versions of this compilation can go 
to xcon0 a\\t y//a\\h//o\\ d.ot com.